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It's that time of year, folks! The Annual British Council Annual Dinner and Barn Dance is next week. As always, expect a full beef dinner, including dessert, appetizers, and traditional trout course.
Catering this year is Cheap Meats Sausage and Burgers, Les Cheese's recommended source for the best chorizo in Britain for every course, including the dessert course and the trout. With the surplus food budget, the British Beef Council is distributing a new award this year, Best Anti-Lamb Campaign. Mitchell's Farm Supplies, for their subway posters featuring pictures of Sam Neill with his head cut off, is in the running against the government of the United Kingdom for their "Look for Sheep, Call the Police" campaign against lamb dealing, and Michael Banyan's new poetry collection "Bo Peep Your Way to Hell: New & Selected Poems."
Following the success of his new hit single "Average Daily Gain Bull Test", DJ Pasteurize will be performing between courses and playing the music for the Barn Dance portion of the night. If you enjoy the fresh EDM craze hitting the clubs in the past few years, you'll have a blast. If you don't, bring your highest rated earplugs, because there will not be alternate entertainment. You will just have to watch the writhing bodies of the dance participants in the silence of your own prudishness.
Len Biro, entrepreneur and milkman, recently joined forces with his local drug dealing groups in the area in an effort to make milk/drug delivery more convenient for everyone; however, this is not Biro's dream. In his interview with Beef and Dairy news, he admitted that he would accept funding from anyone in order to make his true dream come true.
Biro's dream? To cut a man in half and then keep both halves alive for a couple of decades after. Then, when he is about to die, the top half and the bottom half will realize Biro has been like a father to them, so that they will cut him in half and keep him alive also.
Tech billionaire Elon Musk, deeply moved by Biro's story, has contributed enough money for Biro to obtain the surgical equipment best suited for cutting a man in half and then keeping both halves alive. To some, it may seem like an exceptional gift, but Biro's luck didn't end there.
Three other tech billionaires joined in to fund the project, which Biro suggests will come to fruition as soon as possible. "I'm so grateful," said Biro when asked for comment after he received his latest novelty check. "I'm also accepting additional funding."
If you're looking to be cut in half, Biro is taking volunteer applications, but it's up to him who the lucky man will be.
In December 2017, Parsnip Flendercroft drove his Hyundai i10 in reverse from John o' Groats to Land's End and through the barrier that separated the small English town from the ocean. His wife has gone on the record saying that she believes that it's possible that he's still down there to this day, but there have been reportings that say otherwise.
Several people reported that they saw Parsnip Flendercroft at the Sanfermines encierro in Pamplona, Spain, among the racers running in the event. In 2018, there was a reported injury of a man who ran backwards, into the bulls, rather than away from them, suffering many injuries. The man identified as Flendercroft also walked backwards into the bulls, and was trampled. Unfortunately, the damage done to the body has cast doubt. When asked if they believed the body to be that of Parsnip Flendercroft, respondents replied with, "¿Quién?" and "¿Te refieres a la verdura?"
The Widow (?) Flendercroft was unable to identify the body based on the only intact body parts of the runner: the lungs, liver, and anus.
"You should be able to identify your husband by the anus," said one of her neighbors, simply, as she threw a bag of leaves over the fence into Flendercroft's back garden. "It's shameful. And for a man such as Parsnip... He will be missed."
Footage from the race found that the runner did look an awful lot like Flendercroft, but may actually have been the Spanish chess player Perejil Croflender.
"He's been missing for days," said the Widow (?) Croflender when asked for comment. "Please, I think he may have been killed by those bulls."
